Fear and Love

Dear Blog,

I'm afraid. Looking at my life and the decisions I make, I typically behave out of fear. Everyone's actions are governed by some sort of rule or consequence. The two major ones, however, are fear and love. If you look at your major behaviors throughout the day, try and figure out why you behave as you do. A simple example would be that I look both ways before crossing the street out of fear that I would be hit by a car if I neglected to do so. A more complex example would be that I decide against dating a girl who's shown a lot of interest because I'm afraid it might not work. Between these two examples, a line must be drawn that decides when to stop acting out of fear and to start acting out of love. 

     I feel as if acting out of fear is really limiting my quality of life. Because of fear I've most likely missed out on numerous experiences and opportunities in my life, which ultimately affects how I grow as a person. This idea plagues my mind mainly because of my latest dilemma in my life; whether or not to date. I'm a 21 year old adult who has dreams and aspirations of going to grad school and furthering his career in the field he loves so much, and dating seems like the most impossible task in the world, currently. At this point in my life, the people around me also have their own dreams and aspirations and, if they hold the qualities I want in a partner, probably won't want to compromise those ideas. This makes it very difficult to find someone to be with. I start to think about my future and then theirs, and then how they may or may not coincide. And that scares me. Usually to a point where I no longer want that relationship to happen. I'm living my love life out of fear. Fear has also give me reason to date. I fear missing out on sharing my life experiences with somebody I care about. I've feared not having someone to tell my exciting news to. And I've feared not having somebody to care about what I'm doing in my life. 

      As I've gotten older and gone through my relationships, I've stared to fix some of these issues, but not all of them. I've now found validation through myself and my own accomplishments. And I've found that you can receive the same satisfaction of love and care from your close friends as you could a significant other. But why do I still strive to find that special someone? 

Sincerely, 

Your Hopeless Romantic 

Motivation or Lack Thereof

Dear Blog,

         Sorry I haven't written to you in a while. Things have been weird and I haven't had the motivation to do much besides video games. Which is what I want to talk about today; motivation. Every day, it seems, I think about the word motivation and what it means to me. My thoughts on it are as pretty plain as they can get. Motivation is what keeps you driven and what makes you accomplish what you dream to accomplish. The only problem is, how do I obtain it?

          I've asked this question before on social media. The responses I received were pretty typical and nothing I hadn't already known. They all make sense and I understand that the words of advice they gave me can help, but they haven't. The problem I'm having with motivation is entirely that; motivation. I'm motivated but not in the direction I need to be. I'm motivated to nap, to procrastinate, to engage in social activity, and to even sit and play video games for six hours straight. The reason behind all of it is obvious, especially from a behavioral point of view. Those things are reinforcing to me. I want to nap because I'm tired. Video games are a fun escape. Social activity is validating and carefree. All of them don't involve a lot of work, or any at all. So how do I take the things I need to do, like homework, work, chores, and make them just as reinforcing as the non-productive items? Again, from a behavioral point of view, you reinforce them. And again, I ask, how? How do you make reading 50 pages of dry text for a class you couldn't care less about reinforcing? How do you make writing five to ten pages on a topic you don't like reinforcing? A lot of people say to use the end goals as a reinforcement but as I've seen countless times before, long-term goals and rewards are not as effective at reinforcing as short-term goals and rewards. Typically, behaviors need to be reinforced as soon as possible. The more time between that behavior and the reinforcer, the less reinforcing it will be. So my question for the public is, what kind of practical reinforcers could you use?


Warm Regards,

Josh

On a side note, since I'm awful about updating routinely, if you care to know when I post and such there's an option somewhere on this blog to follow me so you are alerted when I actually write something. Thank you to those that have actually kept up with my thoughts. I write these to get things off my mind and the feedback is just an added bonus.

Turn the Other Cheek

Dear Blog,

I've been unable to write to you lately due to social obligations out in the real world and just pure laziness, and for that, I apologize. Today I'd like to write about something that happen to me yesterday. Well, multiple things of the same subject. Yesterday, as childish as it sounds, I was "bullied".

The word "Bullied", the way it's seen in the public today, is not how I'm meaning to use it. I wasn't pushed around, I didn't have someone put my underwear over my head, and I wasn't made to look a fool in public. The bullying I'm referring to was in jest. The type of bullying that happens between friends. The type of bullying I receive, as do most people, on a daily basis. Everyone calls their friends names, gives them a hard time, and some even horse around. All in good fun. But at what point does this become too much for somebody? Everyone has the line that they know they shouldn't cross and sometimes it's obvious when someone is hurt or upset about what you've said, at which point you can apologize and know not to do that again. But what about those who shrug it off? Those that never show that they are upset about harassment or being made into a joke? Obviously those people should let the harasser know that what they've done or said has upset them, but it's much easier said than done. Behaviorally speaking, ignoring these attacks would decrease the frequency of them happening. Eliminate their reward and their behavior is soon to follow. That is, if it's attention they're looking to achieve. If they're doing it out of social validation then it becomes harder to eliminate. And if something internal is reinforcing it (low-self esteem, feelings of inadequacy, etc.) then it becomes even harder to eliminate.

Say Johnny is being made fun of, it's all in good fun, and then it goes too far. Johnny is upset so he lets his friend know in a serious and polite manner and asks for it not to happen again. The harasser then continues to harass, calling Johnny a "bitch" or other demeaning term and telling him to suck it up because it's only joke. So, Johnny being already upset becomes even more upset and learns that next time, he'll just keep his mouth shut, because he will only have to deal with a little harassment and not the barrage he just received. What about people like Johnny? Should they continue to shrug it off or should they "fight" back, letting people know that he is not to be messed with? Or should he not allow those minuscule issues affect him? They're only words after all.

Yesterday I was bullied. A friend of mine, who picks on me (jokingly) constantly finally got on my nerves. He demeaned me, picked me apart for my flaws, and made me feel as if my comments to a serious discussion were null and void. So what did I do? I laughed and proceeded to stop adding my comments. I don't usually get upset about being harassed but this time it just got to me. But why? Why do words hurt? After all, they're just words. They're made up to help convey an idea. The only value they hold is the value we give them. So why is it so hard to ignore them? And should I even try to ignore them? Like I've said before, getting upset about these minuscule events is pointless. They serve no purpose and have no benefit to us whatsoever. So would it be beneficial to us to not allow it to affect us? Allowing it to affect you makes you upset and takes away from your happiness. Happiness being the main goal of a lot of people's lives.

Most times I just let people make fun of me. It really doesn't bother me most times. But in return I've been criticized for it, called a bitch, and questioned on my submissiveness. Does it really matter that much?

Annoyed and Confused,

Josh

Social Butterfly

Dear Blog,

        Every day I spend at least a few moments out in public, walking around campus among my fellow students. I don't have to walk very far most days but I still manage to see a decent amount of students during that time. One thing I've noticed and want to talk about tonight is how "shelter" or closed off everyone seems to be while walking from class to class. Regardless of where I'm headed I always see a handful of people on their cell phones, others are taking different routes to avoid social interaction and most of them try their best to avoid eye contact. Personally, I try to stay off my cell phone when I'm in transit so I can observe the world around me. I started doing this because I realized how much I'm missing out on by burying my face into that little device. The less I viewed my phone and the more I started observing people and the environment the more I started to actually think about what's happening around me. I started thinking about who these people are and what stories their lives hold. 

        You'll typically pass by 10-15 people minimum on your walks through campus, depending on the day. Each one of those 10-15 people have their own life, worries, concerns and dreams. The blonde haired girl that just rushed passed you is probably late to class and stressed about how much homework she has to do tonight. The guy who took his phone out as soon as you made eye contact with him is probably trying to avoid social interaction or felt awkward about making eye contact. So many different stories walk past us every day but how often do we actually take time to learn what these stories are or at least consider these people's stories when thinking about our own lives?

          As I look around campus and at all of these people's faces, I ask myself, "Why am I nervous at the thought of talking to these people? What's the worst that could happen?". In my experience, this has been the case most of the time I want to talk to someone in public. Whether it be a cute girl or some random guy that has a cool shirt that I want to compliment, my heart starts to race and I get tongue-tied. This doesn't happen all the time but it happens more often than I'd like; and I feel like I'm not the only person that has this feeling. But, as a social animal, why does this happen? From a behavioral point of view it is clearly the result of some form of punishment. In our history of being social we've experienced the social awkwardness that is talking to strangers, something that is very punishing to most people. Not only this, but society has made talking to strangers seem like a taboo of sorts. People find it strange to talk to strangers and punish those who consider it. We've learned from this and we typically try our best to avoid that punishment (avoidance). The more I consider these issues the more I realize that this isn't something one person can change in their life and that it's more of a group effort. An "it takes two to tango" sort of deal. Unfortunately with the way technology is advancing, I don't see this changing anytime soon.

Best Regards,

Josh

Anger and Other Useless Emotions

Dear Blog,

Lately I've been thinking a lot about emotions, particularly mine, and what role they play in my life and in society. Most people who know me are most likely aware of the fact that I am a pretty emotional person. I've cried drunk at a party, put a hole in my apartment wall out of frustration and even went so far as to take anti-depressants and anxiety medication because I thought I needed them (I didn't). Over the last year or so I feel as if that part of my life is slowly distancing itself from me. I like to think that I've become a stronger, more emotionally stable adult and that my emotions are very much in check. However, a few emotions still seem to escape my grasp every once in awhile and I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that.

     Anger, hatred, annoyed; all emotions or feelings I have been trying to rid myself of as of late. In my honest opinion, these emotions are, as the title states, useless. In my experience they've never served a beneficial purpose but rather, cause pain and anguish in the people around me. The only time I've ever seen anger be useful was in an episode of Dragonball Z where it was used as a catalyst to become a Super Saiyan. But even so, determination and hope proved to be the better and more effective "emotions" to progress into this god-like form.

     One of the biggest reasons I've found these emotions to be not only useless but detrimental to society is the way it makes people behave. I've seen friends, family, strangers and even teachers make social and personal decisions based on these feelings. "I don't want to go to that college because so-and-so goes there.", "I don't want live in this city because so-and-so is a manipulative asshole.", "You can't hang out with me when I'm with this group of people because certain members of this group don't like you."; all of these comments, and many others like it, have been said to me at some point in time. People allow these emotions to drive their behaviors, some of which could determine the next chapter of their life. I even have an acquaintance that wants to move away from the city we live in because I live here. He feels that I'm a manipulative asshole who uses "psychological tricks" on him in order to get what I want. He feels that being around me is a detriment to his health and well-being. I beg to differ, but that doesn't really matter to him. The fact that he would rather move away from this city than be around me seems illogical and like a huge hassle for such a small problem. Why allow yourself to be subjected to these feelings? What benefit is there? Why not shrug it off and just continue to live your life?

     Why have anger at all in your life? What point does it have? Those who act with an emotional mindset rather than a logical one seem to cause more problems for themselves than they end up solving. Why hate anyone? Why distance yourself from them? Saying to yourself, "Oh work is going to suck today because I'm working with this person." doesn't benefit you in the slightest. If anything, it puts you into a negative attitude and you'll make the situation feel like it's worse than it already is. In my experience, a negative attitude towards anything almost always makes it worse. Obviously we can't rid ourselves of all negative emotion, but is there a valid reason to let it affect who we are or how we behave? I don't think there is.

Sincerely,

Josh

   

Introduction and My General Idea

Hello all, and welcome to my blog. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Josh Wright. I'm a 21-year old student at Western Michigan University at which I'm studying Psychology and plan on attending Graduate School for Behavior Analysis.

I plan on using this blog similar to the way most people use a personal journal. I need some sort of medium to express whatever is going on in my head but I absolutely despise writing things by hand (I have terrible handwriting and it hurts to write for too long). The only qualm I've had about creating this blog, and still kind of do, is the idea of having my thoughts out in the open for everyone to see. However, after mulling this over for quite sometime, (like, a month) I've decided that it might be good to see what other people have to say about what I'm thinking. That being said, I want this blog to be a community of open-mindedness and constructive criticism. Feel free to correct my grammar, state why you feel I'm wrong and give any feedback that you feel is constructive and conducive to the topic at hand. All in all, don't be a dick.

I will be posting my thoughts on here as often as possible, regardless of public interest. So feel free to check in whenever you want or remember.

Best Regards,

Josh